Ant Struggling

I’m currently waging a war against a tribe of ants who have decided to invade my home. All it took was one dropped piece of candy on my balcony that I forgot to retrieve. When I went back out the next day, the ant army had taken over. I removed the piece of candy and killed the lot of the invaders. The next morning, to my dismay, I saw that the little pests had taken over my kitchen too. Like an idiot and I had left out a bag of M&Ms on the counter. I’ve been fighting against the little pests for 4 days now. I’ve managed to decrease their numbers but still they come.

As I was meticulously cleaning my kitchen yet again, I realized that the ants have a parallel in my spiritual life. Recently I entertained a temptation. I didn’t act on it but I did think about what it would be like to act on it. Entertaining the thought was all it took and I’ve been battling to get it out of my head ever since. It’s like that one piece of candy, a chink in my armor. 

In addition to the temptation, the guilty lies began to come. You’re not strong enough. Look at the mess you almost got yourself into. You’re too weak. 

The Spirit brought a song to my mind:

When I fear my faith will fail, Christ will hold me fast;

When the tempter would prevail, He will hold me fast.

I could never keep my hold through life’s fearful path;

For my love is often cold; He must hold me fast.

He will hold me fast, He will hold me fast;

For my Savior loves me so, He will hold me fast.

Those He saves are His delight, Christ will hold me fast;

Precious in his holy sight, He will hold me fast.

He’ll not let my soul be lost; His promises shall last;

Bought by Him at such a cost, He will hold me fast. 

For my life He bled and died, Christ will hold me fast;

Justice has been satisfied; He will hold me fast.

Raised with Him to endless life, He will hold me fast

‘Till our faith is turned to sight, When He comes at last!

Suddenly I realized that the enemy was right. I am weak. This is true. But HE IS STRONG. And HE’S holding me fast. He is warning me. I have His Spirit inside of me holding me in my faith. If He was willing to bleed and die for me, it means that He intends to hold me or keep me in Him. What a freeing thought. What a way to conquer sin. On my own I am too weak but I’m not on my own!

I still struggle with temptations. I still struggle with grief of my friends’ departure. I still struggle with loneliness. But I am struggling. Struggling is a good thing. It means I’m fighting. If I weren’t struggling it would mean I have given over to the temptation. 

I was reminded of something Tim Keller said, “God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything he knows.” 

I’ve been wrestling with the Father about what He has both given (or not given) and taken. Why did he let my friends leave? Why does He see fit to see me struggle in loneliness. Why has He withheld a companion from me? Why can’t I tangibly feel Him? Why does it seem like He is withholding or taking things from me? How can that equate delight? Yet when I stop throwing a temper tantrum and consider who He is, I realize that if I could see centuries down the road, I wouldn’t change anything. He gives what is best. He takes what is not. 

All this reminded me of something my friend forwarded to me. 

I understood the doctrine of grace—at least I thought I did. I had heard preachers (myself included) recite, “God accepts you just the way you are.” But “I enjoy you” was different. God’s acceptance is a lifesaving, judicial truth; we are forgiven. But merely to accept someone does not convey desire or delight. So in my mind, God’s acceptance was just a notch above tolerance: God in His grace permits us to come into His presence and heaven. But to enjoy someone indicates forward motion from God that expresses intentional and personal delight.

I realize that I fall into the category so often of God tolerating me. Right now I feel like he is merely tolerating me and thus being stingy with his gifts because it suits Him to be stingy. If he really delighted in me wouldn’t He have given me X or Y or not taken A & B? Oh how many times will I have to confess the sin that I believe He is holding out on me? How many times will I have to confess that He doesn’t seem to be enough to me? How many times must I confess that I don’t think He delights in me? I would be so free if I could ABIDE in the reality that He delights in me, He is for me, He loves me, He gives what is best and takes what is in the end poison. He has already given me the greatest gift, Himself. The cross. It all points me back to truth. He didn’t spare His Son, will He spare anything? And if he crushed His only precious son on my behalf, then surely this shows love for and delight in me. So I struggle with the ants and I struggle with my sin. I’m thankful He holds me fast.