When Deferred Hopes Yield More of God

I’ve been going through an old journal and came across this milestone moment in my faith. It has been one of the clearest moments in my life of God speaking to me. For some background information, I had a guy friend that I greatly admired. We were good friends and never dated but the more I got to know him, the more I was convinced that I wanted to spend my life with him. Even to this day, I respect him greatly. Eventually I learned that he was dating someone. From my knowledge of him, I knew he would marry her because I knew he didn’t waste his time on unworthy things. Here is my journal entry from that time period.

Father, Daddy,

I wish tonight to express my heart to You, to find healing in You. I’m so thankful that Christ was not like a high priest but that He Himself experienced all the same pain, all the sorrow, rejection, etc. that I now feel. At first I was at peace about this whole thing but I awoke the very next day to a battle. My defenses were down and I was and still am vulnerable. Bitterness creeps in and out of my heart. I want to be happy for **** and **** but my selfishness, my flesh says he belongs to me. So then I cry out to You and You answer me. I say, “It’s not fair! My heart aches, my soul is disheartened, I’m jealous and angry.”

And You, You say, “Yes, I know.”

Oh Lord, You are so gracious and slow to anger and rich in love.

You gently say, “Of all people, I know. Fair, do you realize what unfairness is? It’s giving My life, My royalty, My power, My glory and laying it all aside for a world that rejects Me, rebels against Me and disobeys Me constantly. I know rejection all too well.”

And then gently, You recall truth to my mind. Jer 29:11 - I know the plans I have designed for you and they are wonderful. Is 55:8,9 - My thoughts and ways are so much higher above yours that you can’t even imagine them. Like Ps 84:11 and the song we sang this morning.. Every good and perfect gift is from You.

I realize a common desire in my life and the lives of single women around me. We want a husband, a lover so badly. And right now the only guy I’ve been interested in for a while is now taken. Automatically I begin searching for someone to affix my attention.

And this thought comes to mind and it is truly amazing. It astounds me & baffles me every time I think about it: 

What can God give me that would be the greatest gift to help me love Him & desire Him & worship Him more?

Himself.

And I am awe-struck. You are the end, You are the highest, and greatest, and most beautiful, and most satisfying and there is none even in range to be compared to You much less above You and the crazy thing is - You’ve already given Yourself to me. Oh the hours, days, and weeks go by with my neglect of that wonderful thought.

Finally in Your richness of love, patience, and slowness of anger, You take me as You did Abram those thousands of years ago to the stars and You say, “I love you, daughter, but I’m sorry, it’s not about you. It’s about My glory and the multitude of other people that have still yet to accept Me as their greatest gift in all of eternity. And that, My precious daughter is why you do not have the land or the son or the husband because, you see, I see the entire picture and I’m planning on the perfect role for you. Just wait and see, your descendants (spiritually) will come.”

Completed Books in 2014

Check out my other blog for a list of books I read in 2014. 

Resolutions 2015

Blank Check

Some friends explained that they want their lives to be offered as a blank check to God. In other words, they want to place all authority, decision making, and control in the hands of the Father, holding nothing back and trusting Him with His decisions. This concept has been on my mind lately.

As I reflect on the last few weeks and months, I could easily conclude that I’ve given up enough: material possessions, goodbyes, cultural comforts, etc. I could swell with pride and puff out my chest thinking that I’ve done my part, thinking I deserve some smooth sailing and shouldn’t have to give up anything more. I could even give up 99% and yet keep back 1% as “mine” or too costly. I could pretend to be the reigning ruler of that remaining tiny section of my heart, essentially claiming to be wiser than God. I could do this and I would be wicked. Was this not Eve’s solitary sin? What death was produced by her seemingly insignificant disobedience.

My prayer for this new year and really for life is to continuously offer a blank check, ALL of me, to have zero areas that are off limits to God, to not hold on to even one hint of self. He is worthy. Giving ALL is the path which leads to satisfaction and life. 

Word Intake

I have developed a pretty consistent pattern of word intake. Some days feel like simply checking something off my to do list, others foster deep communion with the Father. Some days are a quick read, others are spent marinating in the goodness. I’ve been focusing on certain books throughout the past few years but this year have realized it’s been several years since I’ve been through the whole Bible. I’ve realized that it’s harder to get an overarching picture of the Bible when I’m only looking at certain books. In light of this, I’m still hoping to have in depth study time weekly but have decided to read through the whole Bible this year. I’m doing a plan that incorporates daily readings in both the Old Testament and New Testaments. I’m also spending this time looking for certain themes: election vs free will, the Holy Spirit, persecution/suffering. So far, my reading time has been rich with tons of new insights I haven’t noticed before. I’ve been eager to do my daily reading.

Prayer

I’ve developed a good pattern of praying bullet prayers all day long but I’ve discovered that I don’t spend extended time laboring on my knees. I want to focus on increasing my time laboring in prayer. In addition to this, I want to continue to ask for and add to my Prayer Wish List. 

New Home

I want to strive to grow deep in my new language and culture, to constantly push my levels of comfort.

International Airport Adventures

My experience with airport adventures in the past taught me that one rarely has an international flight without any delays, missed flights, etc. In light of this, I asked some friends of mine to pray on my behalf asking that I would have mundane travel. I began my journey and the  travel was super mundane. In fact it was so mundane that I didn’t get my usual traveling migraine from stress and I was actually a little bored during the trip. 

I spent my time at the Paris airport napping. I made it to the first stop in my country and managed to make it through passport control easily, get a boarding pass for my final flight, grab some water, and rest a minute at my final gate. I boarded the last flight and realized that my travel had been not only mundane but seamless. My prayers had been answered. 

Once I arrived at my final destination, I got off the plane and was welcomed by a worker holding a sign with my name as well as the names of 3 other foreigners. Since we had landed in the domestic terminal, she needed to help us gain access to the international terminal so we could retrieve our checked bags. They had also made me check my carry-on for that flight since it was too big. I asked the worker how I was supposed to get my carry-on and she said to exit and then head to the domestic arrivals area and she would meet me there with the bag. I exited the international terminal and looked for my friend who was to pick me up. I didn’t see her. I was a little worried but thought that perhaps she was waiting in the domestic terminal since I had arrived as a domestic flight. 

I headed over to the domestic area but had difficulties finding an elevator to get both myself and my cart of stuff downstairs. Eventually I found the terminal and the lady with my carry-on bag. I then looked for my friend and did not see her. I asked the information desk to have her paged. I waited. I tried using the pay phones with my credit card but failed to understand the new language enough to actually use it. I had her paged again. Then I left my name with the information desk and trekked back to the international terminal in case she was looking for me there. I didn’t find her there either. I was getting more worried but reminded myself that my Father knew where we each were and how we would meet up. I also comforted myself by the realization that He had brought me this far seamlessly and wouldn’t leave me stranded in the airport. 

I found out that the 4th floor had a cafe with WiFi. I went up there to see if I could get the password so I could call my friend. I finally found the cafe and asked about WiFi. I understood half of that conversation but not enough to really know if WiFi was available. I turned away, dejected. At that point I had to release some of the emotional tension from that long trip, the sad goodbyes, and the complete loss for what to do next. With tears in my eyes, I decided to ask a national lady for help using the pay phones. She didn’t understand me and pointed me to someone else. I quickly found a national who spoke some English. He tried to help me with the pay phones but had no more luck than I did. He kindly offered to let me use his phone.

I called my friend’s husband and found out she had an accident on the way due to inclement weather and wouldn’t be there in time because the van needed repaired. Instead, they had asked some other ladies in that city to pick me up. He helped them to locate me and all was well again in the world. 

I had much to be thankful for. I was thankful for the 95% of mundane travel that helped me arrive not only on time but a few minutes early. I was thankful for no headaches. I was glad the worker helped me get all my bags. I was thankful for the guy who let me use his phone. I was relieved that my friend was ok from the accident. I was thankful for the 2 ladies who dropped their plans to make sure I wasn’t left stranded at the airport. I was thankful for all of my former airport pickup experience and knowledge helping me navigate this situation.

Finally, I was thankful for a lesson learned. I tend to be independent and want to figure things out on my own. The Father let me exhaust all my means before showing me a better way. In building relationships with nationals, I’ve been told that friendships are formed much quicker when a person is needy and vulnerable. It helps the nationals realize that I’m just a human like them with needs like theirs. I was thankful to get to see this idea in practice within my first hour of arriving. I’m thankful for a Good Father and Shepherd who walked with me all along the way.

You can read about other airport adventures starting at the link below or by searching by the label "airport."
Adventures as a Chauffeur