As I’ve been back to the States, friends have cheerfully asked, “Well, are you glad to be back home?” A few have felt the need to self-correct and add a friendly, “I guess home is not here anymore so are you glad to be in the US?” Sometimes I feel irritated by the questions or assumptions about what I consider to be home. Sometimes I answer that I have two homes now, part of my heart is here and part of it is there. America shaped me, it made me who I am. There is no way that it cannot feel like home. But Central Asia, it’s become my home as well. It’s a new normal for me. In some ways I don’t fit in here anymore. I will never fully fit in there either. I’m caught between two worlds. Both are normal but both are different.
I read a blog post about this topic and the author summed up what I’m feeling well.
“I can’t go home… because I have more than one.
Someone else has said, “Home is where the heart is.”
Where is my heart?
Is it in the states with my family? Yes. Is it here in Germany? Also, yes.
Matthew 6:21 says, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
Spot.On. She continues:
Even more important than my family in the states and the life I’ve been blessed with in Germany is Jesus. He is my treasure. He is where my heart is. He is my true home. - “No matter where I go or what I do, my heart – my home – is with Jesus and to this place, this person, I will always return.”
As I have been processing my time here in the States, I’ve begun missing Central Asia. Sure I miss it because of the slower pace of life. I miss it because of the focus on relationships rather than tasks. I miss the relationships. But mainly I miss it because I miss Jesus. I found him there in deeper ways than I ever did in the US. He became my home and I’m finding it harder to be with him here in the throes of the rat race that is America. It seems peculiar to me that my time in a country surrounded by people who don’t believe in Jesus actually made me closer to Jesus.
Having spent some time away from America, I’ve been able to view America from the outside in. I notice things now that I never noticed when I was in the thick things. In Central Asia, there is no denying a felt darkness with spiritual strongholds. Upon returning to the US, I have observed that we have our own spiritual strongholds. Two strongholds that have been evident to me are busyness and self-sufficiency.
Everything here is hustle and bustle. I have been easily sucked into the swift current of life. There is always another task to mark off of my to do list or another place I feel pressured to be at. I feel swept up in this hustle and bustle because everyone around me is in it too. Do you know anyone, outside of the obvious lazy bums, who ever rests? When was the last time you, or someone you know, ceased striving? When was the last time you took a nap? When was the last day you took a Sabbath from ALL work? No laundry, no grocery store trip, no cleaning, no yard work. When was the last time you took time to feast on the Word or spend a couple of hours with Jesus? I’m finding it more difficult to do these things here.
The other stronghold I’ve noticed is the deceiving idea that we are self-sufficient? It goes hand in hand with the busyness. I’ve noticed myself sucked back into this as well. When I say this, I mean that I foolishly think I can go for days without spending quality time in the Word and with Jesus. In Central Asia, if I went more than two days without this, my soul was withering. Here, I can go five or six days before I begin to feel the withering. I attribute some of this to the fact that I’m not beaten down as much by the darkness, the lack of the Body, or the opposition to the truth like I am there. In a sense the days are sunny and comfortable so I don’t feel the need to seek refuge from the deluge of rain.
But America dupes me into thinking that I’m strong enough on my own. I can work and serve my little heart to death without pausing to just be with him. I don’t need to slow down, rest, or soak in the Word because “I’ve got this.” I can be more productive if I just keep going. We need to look only as far as Jesus to see this is not true.
I recently attended a soul care retreat. We talked about Jesus’ pattern, in the book of Luke, of engaging in ministry and then disengaging by spending time with the Father in prayer. He would then go back out and engage in ministry. If anyone could have been the energizer bunny of serving, it would have been Jesus. He was ONE with the Father. He was GOD. But even he could not keep going without soaking in time with his Father. He had to slow down and get away regularly. Why oh why do we think we don’t need to do the same?
Guys, we have all been duped by our culture. And as someone who has tasted the richness of time with Jesus, I want to confess that my soul is withering as I try to do this without Him. I have been foolishly thinking that because there is sun and ease, I don’t need the Creator of the sun or a refuge from it. But I am withering. Like a branch broken off from the life source of the vine, I am withering. Like a person who has gone without life-giving food for days on end, I am starving. And I think if many people would take stock of their lives, they would recognize how withered and starved their souls are as well.
So I miss Central Asia because I had lengthy, feasting times in the Word. I miss it because I was not under the illusion that I could survive without Him like I am here in the US. I miss it because I miss Jesus. I made my home with him there and I miss my treasure, my heart, my true Home.
