I recall a day several years ago eating at IHOP with my friend Erin. It was a cold, wintry, January day and she commented on how she was looking forward to warmer weather. I pointed out that a month into the warmer weather we would be wishing for cooler weather.
As humans, it seems we want what we don’t have. It seems the grass really is greener on the other side. I want sunshine not rain. Nope, I changed my mind, I would rather have rain this week. It’s too cold. It’s too hot. I want to be married. I want to have kids. No, this month I want to be single. I want more free time. I have too much free time. I want more money. I didn’t think I would have to work longer and harder for the money.
I also remember earlier this year a period of weeks of gloom and rain. I craved the sunshine and it eluded me. Fast forward to late June when it hit the triple digits and it seemed there was endless scorching hot sunshine. It didn’t rain for what seemed like weeks and I craved the rain.
For a while, I viewed marriage as sunshine and singleness as rain. As a single, I believed there were greener grasses and gorgeous sunshine days in the land of marriage and my days mostly consisted of rain and gloom. Around this same time I read a book called ‘Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?’ by Carolyn McCulley. The author based a good portion of the book on 1 Corinthians 7:7-8 where Paul talks about singleness as a gift:
“...But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows it is good for them to remain single as I am.”
“Against this cultural backdrop, we read that Paul calls both marriage and singleness a gift from God. He doesn’t refer to either as a state of being or as a function, but as a gift. The Greek word Paul used here is charisma.” -Carolyn McCulley
Charisma means a free gift of grace or blessing. It is also used in 1 Corinthians 12:7 stating that charisma gifts (including spiritual gifts) are given for the common good. Peter also uses the word in 1 Peter 4:10 to say our gifts are to be used to serve others. McCulley describes it as building up the body of Christ meaning as singles, we are to serve those who are married and the church as a whole with our extra time, affections and resources in an effort to build them up, thus building up the church.
I was ticked off when I read this. Here was my ugly, selfish response to her words:
“This is the part I don’t like. Selfishly and honestly I don’t like the idea of having to go through life alone not experiencing intimacy, someone to share my burdens because I’m to serve those who do have the things I lack. It is a gross confession but honest. I was thinking the other day about how both rain & sunshine are blessings for us but we tend to covet the sun & not the rain. The rain nourishes, causes growth and life but the sun gives us excuses to spend our time on seeking our pleasure. The real stump is that Paul viewed singleness as the sun & marriage as the rain, the thing that distracts us from true pleasure. I kind of want to tell Paul he has it wrong but I’m sure I’m the one in error.”
I have since come to agree with Paul that yes, singleness is a gift and yes, there are so many aspects of singleness that are superior (sunshine) to marriage. But I have also realized that sunshine and rain are both blessings and both are needed. This past week I was told by two individuals that they envied my singleness. Two years ago I would have told them they were crazy. I have come to learn over the past two years that there are aspects of rain and sunshine to both sides. As a single gal, I get a full night’s sleep 99% of the time. I come home from work at 5 and I am free to cook dinner or not cook dinner. I can have cereal for dinner every night of the week without anyone complaining about it. I clean my apartment when I’m ready. I only do my own laundry and I do it when I want. I pick up after myself and only myself. I am free to spend my money when and how I want or not spend my money. I have a disposable income! I have time to have a quiet time. I have uninterrupted quiet times. I can go to a local park and spend a whole day alone if I so choose. I have my own space/bedroom that I have to share with no one. On holidays, I have one place to spend my holiday. I can travel when I choose. For many readers, this list causes envy but it’s not all sunshine, these happen to be my greener grasses.
Singleness has gloomy aspects as well. I eat alone probably 85% of the time. I continue to go to holiday gatherings alone, weddings alone, couples showers alone. Almost every single Sunday, I show up at church alone and often sit alone. I have to drive myself everywhere. I have to pump my own gas, take out my own trash, carry all the groceries in alone. I have to figure out how to deal with mice, flat tires and moving heavy objects myself. I have to make major life decisions alone. Not only do I not have the luxury of a companion, I am also unable to have my own family. Weddings can be hard, baby showers can be hard. On top of all of this, single people are constantly experiencing grief through loss. A friend gets married. They choose to make a major life change. I did not get to voice my opinion about their choice but yet our friendship changes. Good friends still make an effort to spend time with me but more often than not, the friend drops out of my life entirely and I am left to figure out how to continue life with this vacancy.
(I want to take a side note here to encourage you to adopt a single person. Career aged singles are usually a minority and often overlooked and feel out of place. They no longer fit in to the college scene but they also can’t really identify with young married couples or moms/dads either. Have them over for dinner. Ask them to join you in going to a wedding, baby shower, holiday party, etc. I remember dreading a couples shower one time because I was going alone. A friend of mine called me up to see if I would like to go with her since her husband was out of town. This totally made the evening fun and easy for me. If you are a recent newlywed, be intentional about continuing to spend time with your single friends.)
I was reminded of all of this the other day. During the praise/share time portion of our fellowship service, one person said she was thankful for the rain, thankful that it nourishes and brings life.
As I have mentioned before, I have had a burning desire for several years for a certain new career path and home. I recently spent a week with some friends who are currently living out my desire in respect to home and career path. Needless to say, I was a bit depressed when I had to leave and depressed when I came back to my same old life. On Sunday it struck me that my friends are living as light/sunshine in a place that desperately needs sunshine. I am here serving them through prayer, care packages, and other various ways. In a sense, I am the rain, the nourishment. The two go hand in hand. Excess of either is destructive. I get to nourish/encourage/support. I bring the rain so they can bring the sunshine. They wouldn’t be able to do what they are doing if I were not doing what I am doing. I am learning to rethink my concept of good things. Sunshine is good, it is grace. Rain also is good, it is grace. Without rain, living things die. Marriage is good, it is grace. Singleness too is grace. Serving abroad and serving locally, both are grace. In all these things we are sanctified and it is more grace.
Tonight as I was driving I wept and I worshipped. I wept because yet another person close to me is exiting singleness and entering marriage and I am left behind. I wept because friends continue to be sent out to do work I ache to do but I am left here in the wake of their departure. I am left to the tasks that feel at times mundane, the tasks that take second place to the ‘real deal’. I am left here to rain and nourish not only their new work but works here, families here. I flung my arms open and worshipped, worshipped because He is worthy of my offering. Worshipped in quiet surrender declaring that if I’m to be the rain, that He would help me be poured out, that He would use me to nourish, to build up the body both here and abroad. What a privilege to serve Him however He chooses. What a privilege to ‘bleed my heart empty if He’ll fill it up again’ and bleed it into the lives of local families. Who knows how I might ease their lives just a fraction which in turn gives them enough to pour into their kids and their kids grow up to be the godliest of men and women. After all, this is exactly what Jesus did. He served, He built up the body. He bent and washed dirty feet and said, this is how you will be great. I sang the ugliest melody with snot clogged nose and voice breaking and yet, it was the most beautiful of worship songs to Him. It is the same song Jesus sang out in the dark Garden of Gethsemane. He was grieved to the point of death and still He sang out ‘Not My will but Yours be done’ and what a gloriously beautiful offering it was!
And through it all, I get to walk down this path, these paths, future paths hand in hand with Him. Many years ago, He told me, ‘Candace, I have given you the greatest gift I could possibly give you, I have given you Myself.‘
“Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
See I have nothing, I have nothing without You
Take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You
Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You
All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing
But I love You
With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
With all the strength that I can find
Take my time here on this earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing,
I am nothing without You” -Bebo Norman
