When I'm With You

I go a little crazy sometimes

Can you believe it?

Yeah, I swear I'm fine, that I'm alright

When I'm barely breathing

Thought I could find my way back home,

but I get lost alone

But when I'm with you I'm no longer wandering

And when I'm with you, I swear I can breathe

When I'm with you, I know who I am and who I want to be

I'm not trying to be dramatic, no

Most times I'm pretty normal

Oh, but let's be clear and honest here

And do away with anything formal

I can fake it on my own, but I am lost alone

But when I'm with you I'm no longer wandering

And when I'm with you, I swear I can breathe

When I'm with you, I know who I am and who I want to be

I am wide-eyed

With a penchant for running

But how many times does it take 

'til I find that I'm lost when I'm alone

And that's not where I belong

'cause when I'm with you I'm no longer wandering

When I'm with you I can finally breathe

When I'm with you, I swear to God

I swear to God I'm who I want to be

-Ben Rector

I’ve been listening to this song a lot. Although I recognize the intended meaning of the song is discussing human love, I can’t help but think how it adequately describes my relationship or lack thereof with God. When that relationship is lacking, I can swear all day long that I’m fine but the reality is that I am barely living, barely breathing. I can fake the intimacy but I’m lost without Him to guide me. I have a tendency to run away when things aren’t going my way or when He feels far. How many times will it take me to know that I’m lost and where I don’t belong when I’m away from God. 

On the other hand, when I pursue God, when I’m with Him, I’m no longer wandering and I can breathe. When I’m with Him, I know who I am in Christ. I know where my value comes from. I know what I want my life to look like. I’m not insecure, doubting, fearful or afraid. My soul is at rest and I find joy. Perhaps the apostle John says it best:

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” -John 15:4-5