A Wedding and Some Gold

After a several month stint in the States, I made my way back to my overseas home just in time for my friend Kadie’s wedding. Kadie was ready to scold me had I not made it back in time. Since I had been to several of her relatives’ weddings, she said it would have been shameful for me to not make it to hers. I agree.

The wedding consisted of two nights of activities. The first was the henna night and the second was the wedding. On the henna night, Kadie invited me to eat dinner with them at her house before the festivities started. Since I was still jet-lagging, I took a nap instead and went with J just a bit before the festivities began.  

J and I ready to get our dance on!

Kadie’s friend, Mer, who had kept me entertained at the engagement party was there. She was the one who had kept critiquing my dance moves at the previous celebration. Over the course of the evening she would signal to me when I should dance and what I should be doing. 

Kadie and Marty's Entrance

J and I joined in dancing about half of the evening. Since it was a henna night, halfway through the evening, Kadie changed dresses. J, myself and the other younger single girls were given some party favors/accessories and we danced around Kadie in her second dress. After this, they applied henna to Kadie and Marty and we walked around with candles in our hands. Yes, you read that correctly. We held fire in our hands as we walked closely to the other gals. After some more dancing, J and I left the party early. 

Decked out in party favors

For J’s one year landiversary, she had wanted to ride in what I believed was a fictional horse drawn carriage. She claimed that she had often seen carriages in the pedestrian area of our city during summer months. I had never seen any such thing. Her landiversary coincided with cooler temperatures and I was gone during the warmer summer months. As we left the wedding we passed by the pedestrian area and lo and behold she wasn’t making the horse carriage up. We were able to ride in not only a horse drawn carriage but one with neon lights. 

For our second night of wedding festivities, we debated on when we should plan to arrive at the wedding. The invitation said the food was at 6pm and the wedding would start at 8pm. Time is a weird thing in this culture. Typically it’s safer to show up later rather than earlier. I have often arrived too early and made my host feel uncomfortable. I have also tried going places late only to have friends call me at the designated starting time wondering if I’m lost or forgot about the event. I decided that J and I should shoot for arriving closer to 7. The wedding was kind of far so we called a taxi to take us there. It’s rare for me to call a taxi because most things are within walking distance and if not, a bus will do the trick. So when I say it was far, it was probably only a fifteen minute taxi ride but too far to walk or ride a bus. 

We saw some of Kadie’s relatives and joined them at their table and began waiting for food. I assumed we would eat between 7:00 and 8:00. They didn’t actually start bringing out food until 8:30! I later asked Kadie’s mom, Aunt Jamie, about it. She said they write 6:00 on the invitations because they know locals come late and if they write 6:00 most will have arrived by 8:00. 

Just as the food finished, Kadie and Marty entered. 

Before I hit the dance floor, I ran into Ellen, my old art teacher. She was in town and had come to the wedding. It was fun catching up with her. We ended up getting in line together for the gold/money pinning ceremony. 

Since Kadie and I are close friends, culture dictated that I pin gold on her. The previous day I went to a gold shop and bought the smallest and cheapest gold piece available. The small piece of gold cost me about $60. Local gold prices fluctuate based on global economies. Before I had left for the States, I had asked around about how much I should expect to pay for this gold piece. At that time a gold piece cost around 250TL. Because of some recent goings on in the economy, the lira had fell in value and the same gold piece was almost 400TL. 

This seems like quite the lavish gift. In the States, perhaps, for a close friend you might give a $60 gift. But if you think in terms of locals and their own currency, this would be more like giving something worth $400. Let’s say you intended to give the nicest cliche toaster worth $250 but then there was an economic crisis, you would find a cheaper toaster or a cheaper gift. But in this culture, you are expected to give this gold piece no matter how much it costs. 

Let me explain a little further. I’m a bit of an oddity since I’m a foreigner but let’s take Kadie’s single friend Mer as an example. She also pinned the small gold piece. When she gets married, Kadie is required to give her the same size of gold regardless of the current value. She may get lucky and get the piece again for 250TL or it may be even more expensive like in the 600TL range. Technically when and if I get married, Kadie is supposed to give me the same amount of gold. Now I probably won’t ever see it because either I won’t get married, or I’ll have a wedding in the States and we don’t have that tradition. 

I find this whole gold giving concept fascinating. I’ve ceased to describe it as a gift. A gift is something you give without expecting something in return. After the wedding, I met with Kadie and she mentioned that she really has no way of returning the favor. If I had been on my toes, I would have said, "It’s a gift, I don’t expect anything in return." I have other friends who talk about their gold debts and that they have to find a way to buy these gold pieces as friends have weddings and other celebrations. 

I think this gold giving is another insight into their culture. Everything is tit for tat. When I go to someone’s house, they say "Hoş Geldiniz" (Welcome/I hope you came pleased) and I must say "Hoş Bulduk" (We were pleased.) When someone sneezes, I should say "Çok yaşa" (Long life) and they must reply with "Hep Beraber" (Always together). If someone brings me a plate with food, I must return their plate with food from my house. As a part of their religion, they are trying to make sure they don’t take advantage of someone. They are also trying to gain good works to earn their way into heaven. It’s the difference between earning something and a free gift. We don’t have all of these rules in our culture because our religion is based on a free and undeserved gift. Because we have received such a gift, we can freely give without expecting anything in return. 

The gold pinning lasted a while and it gave some chances to actually have conversations with people. After the gold pinning, family members spent time dancing with Kadie and Marty. This meant that I had not danced during the first two hours of the wedding. When I did start dancing during the 3rd hour, I actually enjoyed it. I wasn’t exhausted from the previous hours of dancing. The dance floor was also less crowded and the crowd of people staring at me had lessened. 

As the festivities were winding down, Marty’s brother asked how we were getting home. I told him we would probably take a taxi. He said we would not need to take a taxi because he would take us. I appreciated his care in this matter. He had plenty to deal with since it was his brother’s wedding. Then as the wedding wrapped up, all of Kadie’s relatives with cars also began asking if I had a ride home. Since I knew them a little better, I preferred to ride home with them. None of them would leave until they were sure that J and I had a spot in a car somewhere. This is one of the things I love best about living here. As Americans, we tend to think of ourselves. If someone is without a car, we think them strange and either lazy or bad with money. They should find their own way home. Since most people here do not have cars, those with cars are always thinking of others and how they can serve them with their car. Bravo! We can learn a lot from them. 

On a funny note, Kadie’s mom was in the car with J and I. Her dad was supposed to be there too but instead his brother got in the car with us and his brother’s wife rode with Kadie’s dad. This meant that our driver and the other driver had to go to three separate places to drop people off instead of two. I found it quite comical. 

Aunt Jamie and I

I leave you with a very popular wedding song. We heard it three or four times each night.