I met Kadie and Marty in my art class. They had been unofficially dating since high school and for a total of 9 years. I say unofficially because traditionally, in this culture, it’s inappropriate for a guy and a girl to spend time together unless they are engaged. Since Marty didn’t have the money or the assurance of a good job and thus a good future to propose to Kadie back in high school, her mom said he was not allowed to come to their house because the neighbors would gossip. Kadie and Marty ended up spending time together in appropriate ways like our art class.
Finally, the day came when Marty had a job, a steady source of income, and thus a secure future. He was ready to officially propose to Kadie. In this culture, they have a special ceremony to ask for a girl’s hand in marriage. Generally, immediate family members are present and the guy’s dad asks the girl’s family for permission for his son to marry their daughter. Often this is used in arranged marriages but as the country becomes more modern, it is still used as a tradition in cases where a girl and a guy came to an agreement on their own. In the case of Kadie and Marty, Marty’s dad and brother were present. His mom passed away many years ago. On Kadie’s side, her parents and grandparents were there and I was invited as well since I'm a part of the family. In preparation for the evening, Kadie’s family completely redecorated the living room. They painted the walls, got new curtains and some new rugs.
There was some drama at the beginning because Marty’s family came two hours late and Kadie was tired of waiting on them. When Marty and his family came, they brought the required chocolates and flowers. We sat in the living room and everyone chit chatted. A few minutes later Kadie asked if I would video for a bit. About 30 seconds into the videoing I realized the dad was asking for her hand in marriage. I was a little slow on the uptake. Kadie’s family accepted. Then she began handing out chocolates. I joined her in the kitchen as she made Turkish coffee for everyone. In Marty’s cup she put salt instead of sugar and I videoed as he drank it. It’s a cultural thing for the girl to put salt in the coffee as a test. If the would-be groom pretends like nothing is wrong, he will make a good, non-argumentative husband but if he spits it out, it means he will be a headache to his future wife. Marty half expected this salty coffee. He took a few drinks before stating it was gross. You can read more about the salty coffee tradition here.
After the coffee, the family started discussing the terms of the marriage. They discussed who would buy appliances, engagement party details, possible dates for the wedding, etc. Typically the groom’s family is responsible for most of the cost of the engagement party, wedding, and home set up. In this case, Marty’s family is not wealthy so the two families agreed to share the weight of the wedding/home set up burdens. After a while, they began to wonder aloud if anything had been missed. The gold had not yet been discussed and Turks have a way of beating around the bush about sensitive issues like money and gold. Eventually someone “remembered” that gold had not yet been discussed. They were trying to figure out how many bracelets the family wanted for Kadie and what other jewelry pieces they might want. Eventually Aunt Jamie said that was Kadie’s decision. I think they agreed on 5 bracelets and a necklace/earring set.
After Marty’s family left, Kadie’s family told me Marty’s poor dad had no idea what he was doing. Usually the women folk know the proper way to handle such occasions but since he was a widower, he was doing this blindly. They pitied him for this.
The engagement party was held a week later. I showed up at Kadie’s house at 5pm. There were a lot of people there but Kadie was not. She was out getting her hair and makeup done. I hung out with the family. Often people will serve food at the bride or groom’s home to those who will attend such parties. Kadie’s family served pide, a pizza like dish, to guests. Around 7:30 we carpooled to the outdoor cafe for the festivities.
The engagement party was much like a wedding. There was lots of dancing and we were served cake and cola. Kadie’s college friend was there to entertain me. We danced together a lot but she was sure to correct me when I was dancing incorrectly. Wedding dancing is already stressful enough. I look and dress different than everyone else and I don’t have the dance moves mastered. I already felt like people were staring at me so it didn’t help to have someone critiquing my dance moves. Finally, in one dance, her friend suggested we sit since I wouldn’t know those dance moves. Ouch!
After a while, the dancing paused for the ring placing ceremony. An imam (like a Muslim version of a pastor) read a prayer over them. Kadie wore a veil for this. After that, they began the gold-pinning ceremony. Once the last guest had pinned their gift on the couple, the dancing recommenced. The dancing thinned out after a while and the evening ended around 11:30pm.
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