The Beautiful Ache

In my last post, I described how a married man came on to me. I was grateful the situation was mild and the resolve seemed quick. I can imagine all of that going down a lot worse. Anyway, the following day, Mr. E called me. I assumed it was about the kitchen shelves but he kept using a word that I did not associate with shelves. I eventually realized he was working on my insurance problem but needed some information from me to get prices. He texted me several times in regards to the insurance. I felt stressed by the interactions since I just wanted to keep a distance from him for a while. 

The situation had affected me emotionally. Just as men are affected by what they see, women are affected by emotional interactions. The scene kept replaying in my mind. It was so intimate and yet inappropriate. It was a twisted perversion of what I truly desire. 

Eventually the lies came. I want to be embraced and kissed like that, but not by him. The lies said that I won’t ever have that in my life. Great. I did not want to have to work through all of this yet again. I had been content for such a long time. That evening I listened to my friend share how she had met her husband. And another lie creeped in. She gets to do life with her best friend and you won’t ever have one for yourself. You won’t have a story to share one day, unless... (enter more lies.)

And so on it went. After a long day with locals and fighting through these lies, I went home and had a good cry trying to work through the jumble of emotions and lies. One of the things I kept feeling was that he had stolen something from me. You see, by choice, I haven’t dated anyone for over ten years. After some relationships with distant exes became more physical than I would have liked them to be, I decided that I needed to rethink my dating habits. I saw that the typical pattern for dating gave way to giving hearts over too quickly and giving way to physical temptations too easily. I decided that I would take a step back and really get to know a guy’s character from a distance and if through the avenue of friendship I saw things that would incline me to marry him, and he was interested, then we would date to see if we were right. When I stepped back, I began to observe that there were very few guys that I would actually consider dating. Among the guys I would consider dating, they were either unavailable or else uninterested in me. Thus, 11 years have passed and I have not been out with a guy again. Nor have I been embraced romantically by one. I guess you could say I have been fasting from these kind of embraces. 

So when this married man embraced me, it felt as if he took from me what I have been saving for the friend turned boyfriend turned husband. He stepped in and took what I did not give and what did not belong to him. He took from me what he should have come from his wife. And in his taking, he made me feel deeply the lack of embraces in my life. 

I happened to see this quote on Facebook that day, “God is the goodness better than any good we’ve ever seen or heard or tasted. He is the shelter safer than any government, laws, or armies.” -Shane and Shane 

This was such a timely reminder for me. It was balm for my aching heart. God is better than any man could ever be for me. I am already privy to this goodness that none on earth can outgive. 

It doesn’t mean that I don’t grieve the fact that I have been 11 years without a companion and have no idea when this “fasting” will end. John Piper said, “Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.”

I did this. I poured out my sorrows to the Father. I named the lack, but having it fulfilled is not so simple. This question of marriage, even asking for it, it’s a tricky one. Most likely, getting married would mean I’d have to move back to America. It would mean moving away from these people who I have grown to love. It’s hard to see how I could have both my life here and a husband. So when I get to these hard, grieving-the-lack-of-a-husband days, I am slow to ask for one. For to find a husband one would almost certainly break my heart in another way. After I grieved the losses, I came to the conclusion that if having a husband would mean abandoning this call and this people, I choose the lack. Jesus is worthy of the lack. 

As the week progressed there were more reminders of my lack. Will I ever have children of my own? Will I ever have a best friend to do life with? Will I be embraced in a beautiful way rather than a distorted one? 

One night, I sat in the dark praying for those near me whom I love. I was thinking of my married friends and how they have great love stories. It occurred to me that the Author of their stories is also the Author of mine. I know this Author can write great stories, great histories even. I know because I have read his best work multiple times and it is greater than any stories from a human mind. I imagined that if I were to read my story from start to end, I would love it. I wouldn’t want to put it down. I would cry through parts, laugh through parts and be in awe of the way he used every tear, pain, and laugh to shape me. Nothing would be wasted. I would see how I was wooed. Today if I could read the end, I wouldn’t change a thing. I would have no regrets.